5 Fast Fixes for a Stronger Relationship

By Liz Brody (May 14, 2010)

If I hear, "make a date night," one more time, from one more relationship expert, I'm going to throw the aphrodisiac in her face.

I don't want to make a date night. I don't want to ride the Class IV rapids or jump out of  a plane to get the dopamine flowing. I don't want to dangle from a chandelier. These are fine suggestions to beat a passion plateau. But they take t-i-m-e (not to mention acrobatic skills), which some of us don't exactly have. 

"Oh boy," my mate says when I ask him for ideas on the phone. (Maybe it was a bad idea to make him change my ring tone to Car Alarm) “that’s a minefield right there.”

My girlfriend offers, “I'm sure my husband would say sex—more than, you know, a few times a year. But that's asking a lot. I'm very busy.”

I did, however, find some great, quick ideas for women on the run:

  

IF YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS…. Hit pause.  This will come in handy the next time he’s really bugging you. Say, when he’s dawdling, making you late again to visit your mother. Before one righteous word flies out of your mouth, FREEZE. Just watch him for 10 seconds. Visualize yourself in his shoes. Visualize him as he looked the first time you fell for him. Pause the action. (In email terms, it’s a kind of a Save As Draft so you don’t actually send the inflammatory message). Ten seconds gives you time to flash on, “Oh, he’s very uncomfortable with my family,” or “Hmmm, he’s been whipped at work and needs to be in control of something (pathetic as his choice may be.)” It might occur to you that “a few minutes late” isn’t worth a fight. Then again, you might conclude that, yes, he is a total jerk.  At least you tried.

IF YOU HAVE A MINUTE… This is from a great article in the current Scientific American Mind by Robert Epstein (do it with your guy): Embrace each other gently and gradually  synchronize your breathing with his. Just stand there inhaling and exhaling together, as if you were one being. A minute or two of this, apparently, lowers your inhibitions—and that can help people bond.

IF YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES… Jot down three things he’s done lately that you appreciate (OK, one?). Send the list as a note to him in an email at work. Or slip it under his coffee mug in the morning. Or just casually mention, “You know, I dug the way you handled that surly waiter the other day.” Yeah, it’s a tad corny, but experts say it really works. Certainly, if there’s one thing the research on happy long-term couples shows, it’s that they figure out how to accentuate the positive. “When you say or list what you appreciate in him, it brings those things more to the forefront of the mind,” says Gail Saltz, MD, Today Show commentator and author of The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life.  “It also prompts him to say what he really appreciates about you.”

IF YOU HAVE 3 MINUTES… Here’s another good one from Epstein: Standing or sitting fairly close to your partner, start moving your hands, arms, and legs any way you like—but in a fashion that perfectly mimics his. “This is fun but also challenging,” Epstein writes. “You will both feel as if you are moving voluntarily, but your actions are also linked to those of your partner.” See if this doesn’t activate your empathy circuits.

IF YOU’VE GOT 5 MINUTES… Try a daily forgiveness ritual, suggests Sharon Salzberg, a revered spiritual teacher and cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts. It's like a little shot of immunity to prevent you from fighting. Find a quiet spot to sit, and let these phrases go through your mind: If I have hurt or harmed you, knowing or unknowingly, I ask your forgiveness. If you have hurt or harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive you. “You’re not saying, ‘It's all right that you did that,’" Salzberg explains. You’re just opening up your mind to ideas like, "I let go of seeing you solely as the perpetrator; I understand the conditions that led to that action,” and, “I am not identifying myself only as the person who was hurt; I’m bigger than that.” You may even realize, “I have to let go of unrelieved anger to have any space for love to grow.” See if 5 minutes a day doesn’t warm up the love dynamic.  For a real intimacy boost? Get him to do it too.

###

5 Signs He Isn't Over His Ex

How to tell if a guy is still hanging onto his old relationship  – and what you can do to help him move on. 

Do you ever get the feeling that there are three people in your relationship – you, your guy and his ex? Does he still talk or email with her often? Or maybe he holds an unhealthy grudge, or seems preoccupied with what she’s doing now? If any of these scenarios sound familiar, it may mean that he hasn’t completely let go yet. How can you tell if he’s not really over his ex? Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage offers five warning signs:

1. He wasted no time before jumping into his next relationship. If you started dating this guy shortly after his latest breakup, there’s a good chance he’s not completely over his ex – no matter what he says. “There are hopes and dreams we have when we get into a relationship that we lose when we lose that relationship,” says Tessina. “It takes some time [to get over those things].” She points out that men often avoid the grieving process that follows a breakup, even though it can be instrumental in helping them assess the relationship and move on. “You want to be sure he can talk about it – that he can analyze it a little bit, and can say what went wrong and what went right and what part he played in what went wrong.” But even if he isn’t quite there, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. As Tessina explains, “It just means you need to understand that he still has some processing to do, and he’s probably going to do some of it with you.”

2. He fell for you before his relationship ended. These are men like John Edwards and Tiger Woods, who tell you their previous relationships are over or broken, but they still go home to their wives or girlfriends. It sounds obvious, but these guys are bad news. “It doesn’t matter if he says the relationship is bad,” Tessina says. “He has a cheating mentality.” And if he cheats on her, he probably wouldn’t have a problem with cheating on you. Even if he does eventually leave his wife or girlfriend – a very big if, by the way -- and you’re willing to give it a go with this guy, he literally hasn’t had any time on his own to process the demise of that previous relationship so you could run into the same problems as in #1, above. Bottom line: This is probablynot someone you want to be with.

3. When it comes to his ex, he only deals in extremes. If your new guy can’t say his ex’s name without spitting, this is another warning sign. “If he’s talking about her constantly, and she’s either the most wonderful thing in the world or the most terrible thing in the world, but it’s unrealistic, you need to ask him about his role in the relationship,” says Tessina. There are two people in every couple, and there’s no way his ex was as great or awful as he makes her sound. “If he’s not talking about it at all, you need to say ‘I think it’s valuable to for us to talk about our past relationships so we can see what went wrong and what we need to do differently in this relationship.’”

4. He can’t break the string. There are plenty of reasons a guy may stay in touch with his ex, and they aren’t necessarily all bad. “If they have kids in common, they have to be in contact,” Tessina says. “If they were together for a long, long time, there’s also some reason for contact.” But if neither situation applies, and he still won’t stop talking to his ex, you should initiate a conversation about her – carefully. “What you don’t want to do is set yourself up against his ex,” says Tessina. Here, too, she recommends talking to him about his relationship with his ex, and what he thinks he can do better or differently in your relationship. She also suggests offering to reach out to the ex yourself, but if he’s not up for that – and if he doesn’t seem compelled to change anything about the current situation, even if it’s making you uncomfortable – that’s a major red flag. “I would slow the relationship down immediately [in those circumstances],” she says. “I’d say, ‘I can’t go further if you’re going to have a relationship with somebody that has to be behind my back.’”

5. He obsesses over the remnants of the relationship. If he’s always checking her Facebook profile or you catch him poring over old pictures, you could also have a problem. “He’s not finished, he hasn’t done his grieving,” says Tessina. “You have to understand that if you stay in a relationship with him, you’re going to be part of that grieving process.” As Tessina points out, when you’re in a relationship you talk about just about everything. Whether it’s work, friends or family, there’s always something to discuss over dinner, and past relationships should be no different. Let him know you’re open to talking about his exes. Discussing this relationship could help him work through his feelings and move forward – and may even bring the two of you closer together.

If your guy hasn’t completely let go of his ex, proceed with caution – but know that your relationship isn’t necessarily a lost cause. He may want to be with you, but needs just a bit more time to deal with his breakup. The key to making it work is both of you being  willing to talk openly about his old relationship and his feelings about his ex. And if, when all is said and done, he just can't let go, you may have to be the one who moves on.

Kathryn H. Cusimano is an assistant editor at BettyConfidential.

Ten Tips for Learning English as a Second Language

1. Wanting to learn.

This may seem obvious, but if you’re not really committed to learn a new language, no class and no book in the world will be able to help you. You have to really want to learn the language otherwise it’s just too difficult. Just be honest with yourself, think about the reasons you want to study English and find your motivation.

2. Identifying your motivation.

After you find your motivation, you need to identify it. Ask yourself “Why do I want to improve my English”? Is it to find a new/better job? To be promoted in your current job? Is it to travel around the world? To go to University? Considering living abroad? Make new friends? Watching a movie without the need for subtitles? There are many reasons to learn English and each person is different. If you think about your motivation and think how improving your English will help you to achieve your goals, it will be easier to stick to the task.

3. Setting your goals.

Once you have identified your motivation, you need to set up your goals to learn English. Those goals will help you to understand which areas you want to work on, see your progress and maintain your motivation.
It’s important to visualize your main goal, but it’s also important to set up small goals along the way that will motivate and encourage you to keep going. Learning a new language is a process.

4. Practice makes perfect.

After you have set your goals, you know what you’ll need to practice. Now you need to focus on what needs to be done in order to achieve those goals and do it the correct way. You should understand yourself and how you learn better. For example, do you learn better by reading, doing, seeing or listening? Set time aside for study so you don’t have any excuses not to do it. Make sure to practice areas such as basic grammar, pronunciation and other aspects of the English language.



You should practice at least 5 days a week in order to see any progress. We say “Practice makes perfect, but only if it is the perfect practice”. This means not only practice the right way but having consistency. The more you practice, the better you become at it. For example, at SGI you can practice with other students as well.

5. Expose yourself to English as much as possible.

The more you surround yourself with English the more you get used to it and the easier it will be to learn the language. Read books or magazines in English, listen to the radio in English (Windows Media Player has hundreds of radio stations in English), watch TV or movies without lyrics, speak to native English speakers. You will start to recognise sounds, words and phrases and it will become more familiar. Soon you’ll start thinking in English as well! Constructing the sentence in English in your head first is a good way to make fewer mistakes.

6. Increasing your vocabulary.

Reading is an excellent way of increasing your vocabulary. You don’t need to read the Oxford dictionary from the beginning until the end, but consider reading everything you possibly can in English. You’ll learn new words.


Note: If you are a beginner, you may want to start off with a bilingual dictionary but once you are past the beginner stage of learning English as a second language, give it to a friend who is a beginner and get yourself a dictionary that is English-English.

7. Having fun.

Why not? Learning a new language can be a fun thing to do. And the more you enjoy it, the easier it will be. Read comic books, play a game with a friend who is also learning English as a second language. At SGI for example, we have lots of fun social activities like boat trips, visits to museums, quizzes, etc, where we have lots of fun while also helping our students to improve their English.

8. Cultivate friendships with native English speakers.

At SGI there are lots of opportunities to make friendships with other English students, but you can also do it in many other ways. The Internet for example is a wonderful way of meeting people that, like you, are learning English as a second language. Search for learning English groups and communities and find a learning buddy. You can also join the SGI Facebook group: http://en-gb.facebook.com/people/St-George/752643014

9. Finding a good teacher.

Using a qualified teacher that understands English is a step in the right direction. A teacher can set you goals and timelines for learning.

10. Acknowledge the progress you've made.

If you follow these tips, your English will definitely improve. Remember, be patient….progress comes slowly but surely. Stopping at key stages and acknowledging your improvement is important to keep you motivated and also to celebrate your accomplishment. Sooner or later you will reach your goal!

Learning a new language is a skill that needs constant use. After you learn English and finish your course, you’ll need to continue to practice it otherwise you might lose it. Another language helps you understand the world, different cultures and different perceptions of life. 


SOURCE: St. George International (SGI).