By Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD
We come into this world with total self-confidence/ self-esteem. An infant has self-confidence/ self-esteem that their cries will get them what they need--food, diaper change, cuddling, communication, soothing, etc. If the child's needs are readily met and the child senses they are accepted unconditionally they flourish. If their basic needs for survival and emotional sustenance are only met sporadically or poorly their sense of self-confidence/ self-esteem begins to deteriorate. If the child continues to experience deprivation they begin to view themselves as not being good enough to be cared for or cared about. Their birth-right to self-confidence or self-esteem has been compromised. Thus, as an adult those who have experience any form of deprivation, they need to re-establish what is their birth-right: self-confidence / self-esteem.
1.) Ask yourself, "What would be the worst outcome?" We tend to place excess importance on potential problems—a.k. a.—Worrying ahead syndrome. We have an infinite amount of energy so let's apply it to creating extraordinary relationships, advancing our careers and meeting our goals INSTEAD of wasting that energy worrying. Take action on what you have control over and minimize risks for what you don't. Then invest your energy wisely.
2.) Disengage the nagging, negative internal critical voice. That negative internal critical voice can keep anyone stuck. To disengage the internal voice, imagine a volume control and lower the volume. Or simply change the internal voice to the Disney Channel. Do you think you could take Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck seriously if they were criticizing you? The point is to disengage the critical voice by altering the way it nags at you. If you hear your own voice or a critical parent voice nagging you, it will paralyze you. If you hear a funny voice, you laugh and maybe hear the irony of your negative internal critic and continue onward.
3.) When doing something for the first time, imagine that you have already done it. Close your eyes, then, vividly imagine you succeeding at what you are planning to do for the first time. The mind does NOT know the difference between something VIVIDLY imagined and something real. Make it vivid by involving all 5 senses.
4.) Find someone who is already confident in the area of expertise you need and watch how they do it. Model as many of their behaviors, attitudes, values, and beliefs for the context you want to be confident in. How can you do this? Talk with them if you have access to them. If you don't have access to them, get as much exposure to them as you can. This could be talking to people who know the person and/or buying their products if they have some.
5.) Act "As-if." Act as-if you already have the habit/behavior you desire. If you were confident, "How would you be feeling? What would you be doing? How would you be speaking? What would you be thinking? What would you tell yourself—self- talk?" By asking yourself these questions, you compel yourself to answer them by going into a confident state. You will then be acting "As-if" you are confident. As you continue to act "As-If" you will notice you are acting less and less as your behavior becomes a habit. Within 30 to 45 days you'll develop it into a natural habit/behavior.
6.) Project yourself into the future and ask if what you're faced with is as onerous as you fear. This might be a bit morbid and yet this works tremendously well. Imagine yourself on your deathbed looking back over your life. You are surrounded by your friends and family. You're reviewing your life. Is what you're faced with now even going to pop up? That's highly unlikely. Keeping things in proper perspective really diminishes fear.
7.) Remember that you lose out on 100% of the opportunities that you never go for. Nothing ventured—Nothing gained. To get what you want, ask for it. If you consistently ask people for what you want, you will get it. As you think about your goals and what you are striving for, how effective would it be for you to believe that several people out there want to and would be willing to help you if you only ask? People will help because they know they might need help in the future and you might be a source. Whether that is true or not in the "real world" is irrelevant. The belief is empowering, I invite you to adopt it.
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